have you ever

read something that has touched you so deeply. spoke so directly to your soul that you couldn’t do anything but sit in utter astonishment or amazement or cry because you feel that finally, after all of this time, someone understands the feelings you’ve felt but never been able to express?
that was me after reading this post from Emily @ the doctor’s fleming. recently she lost her father. the deep, raw, and honest emotion she expresses with the use of the word saudade. I feel like anyone who has lost someone they loved deeply has emotions and feelings that sometimes words can’t describe and the word saudade is such a beautiful expression of these emotions.
from Emily's blog:
saudade "describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic or deeply melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. Moreover, it often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing will never return." another way to look at it is to think of saudade as "the love that remains" after someone is gone. to have the feeling that someone that was once there, that should be there, is missing. and that you feel--mourn--their absence.
this person to me would be my mother’s mom, my Nana. I knew her for 17 short years and in those years, she influenced me, supported me, molded me into the person I am today and there isn’t a day that goes by that the thought doesn’t cross my mind “I wonder what nana would say about this” or “I wonder if she’d be proud of me or my life I’ve lived” because more than my mom and dad, I wanted to please her. I wanted her to be proud of me. I was closer to her, felt like I could talk to her about more, like she understood me better than my mom and dad ever could and although she was a grandmother, she was my best friend. I felt like she was taken from me too soon. I had more to learn. more questions to ask. more situations I would need her guidance in – I can’t help but feel that it’s not fair but then I just thank God I had the 17 years with her that I had. it’s more than my sister had. so I feel grateful.
but still have the love that remains now that she’s gone.
it’s been 8 year since she died and it isn’t any easier today to not be able to pick up the phone to call her or stop thinking about her than it was then.

I was able to carry her with me at my wedding